Listening to: back ground music of tv
Drinking: code red
been a wile... haven't wrote or said anything in almost a year... life how the book's pages turn. here i sit again wondering. so i figure, why not. this is nothing more then an old haunt and not many will even see this in the flood of post in inbox's. so why not throw out there thoughts and musings. this is nothing more then a post to clear my mind and maybe figure life out for a hot minute. so please understand, im not looking for sympathy or anything. just trying to sort things out in the noise of my head. be aware this will be graphic.
in my life i have seen many things. i have dealt with alot. where dose one start.... perhaps at the beginning... *shrugs* well i will be 27 in just a small wile. i was brought forth unto this world in august 7th, 1987. my father, a construction worker. my mother, a preschool teacher. still funny how shes been working the same job 30+ years at this point.. but that is neither here nor there. my fathers job brought my family from ruins to higher middle class. we had alot of good things. i don't really remember what it was like but i do remember even when i was 3 learning to do laundry, being prepared to work. as well as the start.. of the horrors humanity can bring. perhaps thats what life is like. show you the worst and prepare you for something, god knows what down the line. *shrugs*
in 1991 my father lost his job due to a dispute between him and his brother. i dont rightly know the issue nore do i care. his story not mine. but that impact started the turn. he started drinking extremely hard that year. irony of it all starting in the spring of my 4th year of life upon this world. by that December he had drank him self unto deaths door. cirrhosis of the liver... what a way to do things. at that time my brother Joseph Emory Wood started molesting me. started with him "teaching" me to kiss like those in France. unfortunately i remember it like yesterday. in that family room alone with him in the back section. out of sight out of view.... that was the first time i ever knew of anything like that. flash to feb of 92, we moved up the road about 5 blocks. 1321 school street... wounder if that place is still there or what.
any ways, my father was rather... angry. verably berating both me and my brothers. it was equle. mess up and there was teh belt and a verbal lashing as well. perhaps the cutting bored, or worse his hand. he was not the well.. most kind of men at this stage. his own fears i assume, led him to treat us as such. wich bred what my brother did next. Joseph took out his frustration upon me. because some times dad would let me slide. so he started to abuse me. it started with the whole french kissing deal, then the manipulation of me. he forced me to... why not maybe it will help settle it. for the record, his sick twisted ass still has yet to tell his wife the full facts of the 4 years of hell he brought upon me. started with French kissing, then progressed to the touching, and then him forcing me to perform blow jobs (perhaps why i can never get off when a receive one) then to him performing anel. i can never understand why he did this. control? manipulation? who knows... my brother john walked in a few times. tried to tell my parents. but me being so young... being scared... know even then when i was just a young foul that my family was shattering slowly yet steadily. just falling apart. so i refused to tell my family. when we went to therapy i lied said it was john making things up. him trying to get attention or trying to make my brother look bad for this or that. all because i was scared it would accelerate the downfall of the family more. who knwos if i had told theme the truth thene what would had happened *sighs* whats the use of playing what if. it gets upo no where and the past is the past. no changing it. i know i hurt my brother john. but he understand i supose why i did what i did.
finaly after 4 years of this.. i finally had enuph. i told my father.. and that moment. when i told him what joe did, and when he asked him if it was true and he admitted it with no shame hell even pride..... removed for a long time the damage my father did to me. the beatings that where un called for the verbal lashing that was un needed, where for a wile removed by him grabbing joe by the throught throwing him across thr room and telling him to go outside wile he called the authorities. that moment made him my hero. but all in all he was not. in the end even afetr he still... called me worthless. didnt hit me with anything more then his hand whne iw ent out of line, but verbaly was 10 times worse. *shakes his head* i can never understand why. so the family slowly started to shatter. joe removed, i started devoteing my life to well.. serving my father. i was his whipping boy all because he saved me from joe.
my brother john started to take a downward spiral as well. i dont know where it started or why or even how... but shortly before we moved again when i was 9, it began. in the fall of my 9th year we moved to 502 wales dr... it was nice. for a small time... things where ok. i finally had my own room, we got the internet. i remember the 56k modem wires piping across the ceiling to my brothers room and the living room where my father and brother would play starcraft. but my fathers illness was getting worse. i kept serving him. when he needed water i was there. i gave him his meds. even to this day i remember the doses. one day that sticks out most, is the day my father fell over into the curio cabnit and the glass shatering. the glass being all over the ground my father laying there with with 4 glass shards in his arm. 3 where less then an inch the other the largest was ruphly 3 inches long. i pulled out all teh shards, and well no blood at all. was weird... but edema can do that. and at that stage well cirrhosis was getting pretty bad. i wrapped his arm up and looked for john. he was there before he fell but after.. not. so as i called 911, i went looking for him outside. and ther he was lighting a bowl of weed. i asked him why he wasn't there to help and his reply "why dose it matter? wont be are problem for long" and just finished his weed and walked away out the gate to where ever he went. shortly after in the hospital my dad asked where jogn was i told him, and when he came back from the hospital, he ransacked my brothers room, and well john ran away. he didn't want to follow the rules. the laws of teh house. he had to survive out ion reality on his own with out the help of dad or mom or even me.....
now im 12... just the three... my mom working my dad getting sicker and sicker.... and me sitting at the kitchen table every night. wondering why it was so empty. looking back that hurt alot. my family ate dinner every night at the table. together. then joe being removed, john leaving, my father getting worse, and my mom working.... i was left alone. this is to an extent where my abandonment issues coem from im sure.*rubs his gotee in thought. * but this is the way things are. dealing with midel school, having ptsd, being mislabled with adhd, then bi-polar. i wish they could have found out what i ahd back then. would have saved so much greif. now we go to the page of medications and the horrers they can do to a child.
i have been on alot of meds for mental health in my day. from ritalin to depacote. lithiuma nd gedoen... my god those where the worst on me. being in and out of the hospitals of cali... my god how fucked up that mental health system is. looking back now its just horrendous.*sighs* but well... during this time, my father is slowly reaching his end and im prety much zombified by meds and trying to deal with things when i had some clarity. when i was 14, he finally passed. 12-12-2001. then it became just me and my mom. sadly the meds kept fucking with me. i made mistakes, and my only regret during that year and a half. it wound me up in a group home. now if any of you who are young stumble upon this, or hell if you have even read this far... group homes are hell. but you can grow even in hell. you can repent for you sins there and come out. i spent 3 and ahalf years there.... wouldn't change a thing for the world. hell i wouldn't have stopped the molest, john going AWOL, my father diying, my regret... any of it. it made me who i am and at 18 i left that place. thinking i am all knowing. that im better then the rest and could survive. so i started to work. got 2 jobs, met a gal online, and well moved for her to ocala florida. and thuse the start of many a stupid move. i joke about being catfished before it was cool, but sadly it is what happens. i wound up homless and learning alot. then i got my job at AMF ocala lanes. best job i have ever had... miss it. no humans just machines. then i met a girl off this site.... was lured into another bid for filling a whole that can never be filled. i ended up moving to Ny state. sadly she cat fished me yet again.
you know looking at my adult life so far.. i have constantly ben chasing wemon. ugh.... why am i even going over this, i chased lady's and became homeless, wound up getting raped a few times... just a word to the wise, wemon arnt the only ones who get raped. and if you thought that was how it only happened..... your wrong. so very very wrong. as a young colt i handled this. survived alot. hell even wound up going back home to California when i was 23. hell i even tried to make amends and find out why joe did what he did. almost left me in jail at the end of it. one reson i fear to go back there even now. if i run into him ill try to kill him again. this time i wont have my ex helen between us. shit now theirs a story.....
i have had sevreal ex's julie lee, helen kraye, and katrina dicks being the most damaging of theme all. julie led to soem of my homeless and well the events in syracuse where i ended up being raped. helen well i tried to make it work but we both hurt each other badly. she how ever hurt me as bad as i hurt her. no ones perfect. but we learn. then katrina...... 2 and a half years.... the one person i loved . and then the pain she brought. sh tought me to ride horse. she tought me that one can love. that im just as human as the rest. that there is good and that there is also equilibrium with it. that the good must have the bad. that there is giev and take.... so much learned... maybe ill bable about the adulthood. the events with julie. the events with helen, the events with trina more.... doubt it. those are still to fresh. maybe ina few years. a nother post wills pawn with intel upon that. maybe some of what i ahve said, will help another who is going through hard times. im a beatean and brused draft... but drafts get shit done. we fight hard work hard and live hard. the world is crule but kind.... ill figure this out. i always do..... any ways till next time.